How to Start Healing From Porn
Addiction to pornography is a much larger problem than most of us realize. The latest estimates indicate that between 40 to 60 percent of all men, and 35 percent of all women, have some sort of issue with it Healing magazine. In my work, I have found that people who have these compulsions are very reticent to talk about problem with pornography to anyone, much less someone they know. Most commonly, they assume that their problem is a unique one and that they suffer alone. Because of this reticence to seek help, their problems often develop into deeper and more serious compulsive behaviors. If not treated, the compulsive behavior develops into a compulsion or full blown addiction. The harm of pornography addiction is much greater than the viewing of sexual images. For many, the desire for sexual stimulation increases to such a point that the mind becomes totally fixated in hyper-sexualized thinking to the point that they can think of little else. At this point, every situation becomes sexualized--often inappropriately. For some, the desire for sexual stimulation grows to a point where risky, and potentially illegal, behavior occurs. If you, or someone you know, struggle with pornography, here are some helpful guidelines to help you start your healing.
ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
One of the hardest things for any one to do is admit that they have a problem. Here is a description of someone I have worked with. His marriage was falling apart; he was looking at porn multiple times a day--sometimes for as long as four to six hours; he was staying up late at night and not getting enough sleep; he was constantly paranoid that someone would discover his problem; he was hiding tapes, files DVDs and magazines and lying about how he was spending his time--all the while carrying tremendous guilt and shame. Yet, when I first met him, his words to me were: "I'm not sure that I have a problem!" That's the power of denial.
Perhaps you may wonder if you have a problem; or, perhaps you wonder if your problem is "all that serious." My answer to you is this: "If you feel worry, guilt , or shame about what you've been doing--you have a problem and should seek help." If you can admit that you have a problem you are ready for the next step.
STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THIS ALONE
Isolation is one of the biggest contributors to a pornography problem. As long as a person continues to try and solve this problem by themselves, they'll keep getting the same empty results. Pornography is a problem that is deeply rooted in emotional blind spots that requires others to adequately help them. In short, people who remain in hiding can't be helped.
A person I worked with says it best: "One of the reasons I could never be free of pornography was because I kept my problems to myself. I didn't tell anyone--my wife, my best friends, my minister (especially the church people!) anyone! I thought they would all judge me. And, I couldn't tell those people I knew that really cared for me because I didn't want to disappoint them and I was doubtful that they would be able to help me. I felt isolated and alone--and I was! Added to this was my pride which kept me from seeking help from other avenues like support groups. I didn't want to be a part of a support group because I thought they were all losers and perverts (who was judging whom?) and I worried about my privacy."
Though isolation is the enemy of healing, this does not mean that a person should carelessly confide in anyone about their problem. It's important to find a trustworthy person with an ability to help bring about healing.
ADMIT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOMEONE ELSE
There is an old saying in 12 step programs that "You are as sick as your secrets." It is this secrecy that keeps the addictive cycle going. To be healed, it is important to find someone in whom you can divulge everything. Many people worry that they don't know such a person. They also worry that others will look down upon them for what they might reveal. Finding a person might be easier than one thinks Pastor Chris Oyakhilome. There are numbers of 12 step programs in every community as well as ministers and counselors --all of whom would be willing to help. Secrets lose their power when the right people know enough to help. As secrets lose their power, the healing begins.
RADICAL AMPUTATION
Next, it is absolutely necessary to get rid of every pornographic material, hard or soft, in one's possession. To start the process, destroy all pornographic: tapes, DVDs, files, magazines and computer files. Please do not throw them away--destroy them! Remember, as long as these materials exist in an intact state, they can be accidentally discovered by someone else. Thus, it is absolutely imperative that the materials be destroyed. Next, cancel all subscriptions to pay television channels, pornographic websites, sexy magazines--even sports or health magazines that regularly feature sexy models. If private cell phones are being used for sex chats, cancel the phone. If post office boxes are being used to receive private mail, close the mail account. Go through personal libraries, videotapes and DVD collections to make certain that nothing exists that could be used to feed lust--this includes R rated movies. Be ruthless in eliminating these temptations! Once these materials are destroyed, the next step is to create a new set of operating boundaries.
CREATE NEW BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are the fences we intentionally erect to keep harmful things away from us. By creating new boundaries, we learn how to avoid situations that used to trigger us. This process takes time and is improved by trial and error. Even so, most everyone can identify some of their more obvious temptations. For instance, if a person knows they can't resist buying pornographic magazines at the convenience store, they make a boundary that they will never visit a convenience store when they are alone. If a person can't keep from acting out when they alone in the house, they must avoid being home alone until their thirst for pornography greatly diminishes. Each person is different, and what triggers one may not impact another at all. For instance, one person may have little or no temptation to buy pornographic magazines; but, can easily be tempted to watch sexually explicit pay per views, HBO and Cinemax shows. In such a case, an important boundary would be to cancel these cable services. If a person is always tempted to buy pay per view movies, they must change their cable subscription service or drop it altogether.
Some people trigger much easier when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT). Learning to be aware of these physical and emotional states can help one avoid unnecessary triggers that lead to acting out.
GET AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER
The studies are in and it is hard to argue with the results. The recovery rate for sexual addictions is near zero for those who don't have an accountability system in place. For those in an effective program that includes an accountability component, the recovery rate increases to near 80 percent. Accountability is the process of talking daily to specially selected person who knows about the addict's problems. An accountability partner will always ask their mentee how successful they have been in staying "sober" for that day and offer suggestions for improvement. An accountability partner should be someone of the same sex who has overcome a similar difficulty through a recognized program. It is not recommended that spouses serve as an accountability partner.
For myself, I have an accountability partner named Rick. We visit with each other about four times a week--about almost everything. Our conversations usually last from 5 to 10 minutes. Though Rick and I are very different people, we both are deadly serious about being free from pornography and sexual impurity. Rick helps me see things from a different viewpoint and holds me accountable for my behavior. I, in turn, serve as an accountability partner for several other people. My job is to help my mentees successfully overcome their problems with pornography by caring enough to ask them the hard questions about whether or not they have been staying sexually pure.
INSTALL REPORTING SOFTWARE
One important boundary, that deserves a mention of its own, is internet reporting software. Because the internet is one of the larger temptations for pornography, it is almost mandatory that a person who struggles with pornography install specially designed filtering and reporting software for each computer that they use. Filtering software keeps the more obvious pornographic sites from appearing in the browser. Reporting software allows one to use their computer as they wish while reporting each site visited to their accountability partner. Most people, who are serious about healing from pornography, find that this greatly eliminates the desire to visit pornographic websites.
SET-UP CONSEQUENCES WHEN YOU FAIL
The second part of the boundaries equation is consequences. Boundaries won't work if there are no consequences for breaking them. In the healing process, consequences serve as a behavior modification component . It works like this: the mentee, and the accountability partner, mutually agree to a consequence that will be imposed should the mentee fail in their responsibilities. The consequence needn't be overly harsh or drastic; but, it should be something that the mentee would rather avoid. A person I know agrees to pick up trash along the highway for two hours should he fail. Another guy I know makes a monetary contribution to a political party he despises. Obviously, the point is of the behavioral consequence is to modify the mentee's behavior and hold them accountable for what they do. Consequences shouldn't be considered as punishments--just a form of behavior modification and motivation.
BE WILLING TO SET ASIDE TIME EACH DAY TO ADDRESS YOUR PROBLEMS
Ignorance is an enemy and knowledge a friend. For those addicted to lust and inappropriate sexual behaviors, it is important to devote a small amount of time each day to reading recovery literature or attending recovery meetings. There is a wealth of materials available to help people understand the problem of addiction and what to do about it. Besides increasing knowledge, the reading of recovery materials helps one to avoid triggers and make better life decisions.
DEVELOP YOUR SPIRITUALITY
This is, perhaps, the most important point of all. It is not an over exaggeration to state that for each person I have worked with, I have found that their initial view of God compounded their emotional pain and kept them from finding a pathway to healing. It is my experience that when one feels rightly related to their God, their healing is greatly accelerated. Though it may surprise to some, I have known well educated sexual addicts who were ministers, long time Bible teachers, and faithful church attendees--all of whom had an impressive Bible knowledge. However, in each case, none of them were able to feel connected, in a positive way, to their God. In these cases, a skewed view of God as a condemning and ruthless deity probably did more to keep them from healing as any other factor. In my experience, it is never God who is the problem--it is the understanding we carry about Him that makes the difference. When we relate rightly with God, the problems in our lives begin to go away.
Some of the first steps I use with my mentees are designed to cause them to see God in new and different ways. We study the Psalms as well as the wisdom of the Proverbs. We spend daily time in meditation and prayer. I encourage people to study and learn anew what God is like. Spirituality is perhaps, the most powerful tool of all in healing and transformation. Ironically to some, the more a person perceives the love of God, the more likely they are to quit pornography and be healed of all compulsive behaviors.
Once again, the steps to healing a porn problem include: admitting the problem, seeking help, setting boundaries, accountability, creating consequences for failure, spending time studying recovery materials and developing a new sense of spirituality. Each of these are powerful tools that one can use to heal themselves from the damages of porn. For those who are willing to do all of these things, problems with porn can truly become a thing of the past.
ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
One of the hardest things for any one to do is admit that they have a problem. Here is a description of someone I have worked with. His marriage was falling apart; he was looking at porn multiple times a day--sometimes for as long as four to six hours; he was staying up late at night and not getting enough sleep; he was constantly paranoid that someone would discover his problem; he was hiding tapes, files DVDs and magazines and lying about how he was spending his time--all the while carrying tremendous guilt and shame. Yet, when I first met him, his words to me were: "I'm not sure that I have a problem!" That's the power of denial.
Perhaps you may wonder if you have a problem; or, perhaps you wonder if your problem is "all that serious." My answer to you is this: "If you feel worry, guilt , or shame about what you've been doing--you have a problem and should seek help." If you can admit that you have a problem you are ready for the next step.
STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THIS ALONE
Isolation is one of the biggest contributors to a pornography problem. As long as a person continues to try and solve this problem by themselves, they'll keep getting the same empty results. Pornography is a problem that is deeply rooted in emotional blind spots that requires others to adequately help them. In short, people who remain in hiding can't be helped.
A person I worked with says it best: "One of the reasons I could never be free of pornography was because I kept my problems to myself. I didn't tell anyone--my wife, my best friends, my minister (especially the church people!) anyone! I thought they would all judge me. And, I couldn't tell those people I knew that really cared for me because I didn't want to disappoint them and I was doubtful that they would be able to help me. I felt isolated and alone--and I was! Added to this was my pride which kept me from seeking help from other avenues like support groups. I didn't want to be a part of a support group because I thought they were all losers and perverts (who was judging whom?) and I worried about my privacy."
Though isolation is the enemy of healing, this does not mean that a person should carelessly confide in anyone about their problem. It's important to find a trustworthy person with an ability to help bring about healing.
ADMIT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOMEONE ELSE
There is an old saying in 12 step programs that "You are as sick as your secrets." It is this secrecy that keeps the addictive cycle going. To be healed, it is important to find someone in whom you can divulge everything. Many people worry that they don't know such a person. They also worry that others will look down upon them for what they might reveal. Finding a person might be easier than one thinks Pastor Chris Oyakhilome. There are numbers of 12 step programs in every community as well as ministers and counselors --all of whom would be willing to help. Secrets lose their power when the right people know enough to help. As secrets lose their power, the healing begins.
RADICAL AMPUTATION
Next, it is absolutely necessary to get rid of every pornographic material, hard or soft, in one's possession. To start the process, destroy all pornographic: tapes, DVDs, files, magazines and computer files. Please do not throw them away--destroy them! Remember, as long as these materials exist in an intact state, they can be accidentally discovered by someone else. Thus, it is absolutely imperative that the materials be destroyed. Next, cancel all subscriptions to pay television channels, pornographic websites, sexy magazines--even sports or health magazines that regularly feature sexy models. If private cell phones are being used for sex chats, cancel the phone. If post office boxes are being used to receive private mail, close the mail account. Go through personal libraries, videotapes and DVD collections to make certain that nothing exists that could be used to feed lust--this includes R rated movies. Be ruthless in eliminating these temptations! Once these materials are destroyed, the next step is to create a new set of operating boundaries.
CREATE NEW BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are the fences we intentionally erect to keep harmful things away from us. By creating new boundaries, we learn how to avoid situations that used to trigger us. This process takes time and is improved by trial and error. Even so, most everyone can identify some of their more obvious temptations. For instance, if a person knows they can't resist buying pornographic magazines at the convenience store, they make a boundary that they will never visit a convenience store when they are alone. If a person can't keep from acting out when they alone in the house, they must avoid being home alone until their thirst for pornography greatly diminishes. Each person is different, and what triggers one may not impact another at all. For instance, one person may have little or no temptation to buy pornographic magazines; but, can easily be tempted to watch sexually explicit pay per views, HBO and Cinemax shows. In such a case, an important boundary would be to cancel these cable services. If a person is always tempted to buy pay per view movies, they must change their cable subscription service or drop it altogether.
Some people trigger much easier when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT). Learning to be aware of these physical and emotional states can help one avoid unnecessary triggers that lead to acting out.
GET AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER
The studies are in and it is hard to argue with the results. The recovery rate for sexual addictions is near zero for those who don't have an accountability system in place. For those in an effective program that includes an accountability component, the recovery rate increases to near 80 percent. Accountability is the process of talking daily to specially selected person who knows about the addict's problems. An accountability partner will always ask their mentee how successful they have been in staying "sober" for that day and offer suggestions for improvement. An accountability partner should be someone of the same sex who has overcome a similar difficulty through a recognized program. It is not recommended that spouses serve as an accountability partner.
For myself, I have an accountability partner named Rick. We visit with each other about four times a week--about almost everything. Our conversations usually last from 5 to 10 minutes. Though Rick and I are very different people, we both are deadly serious about being free from pornography and sexual impurity. Rick helps me see things from a different viewpoint and holds me accountable for my behavior. I, in turn, serve as an accountability partner for several other people. My job is to help my mentees successfully overcome their problems with pornography by caring enough to ask them the hard questions about whether or not they have been staying sexually pure.
INSTALL REPORTING SOFTWARE
One important boundary, that deserves a mention of its own, is internet reporting software. Because the internet is one of the larger temptations for pornography, it is almost mandatory that a person who struggles with pornography install specially designed filtering and reporting software for each computer that they use. Filtering software keeps the more obvious pornographic sites from appearing in the browser. Reporting software allows one to use their computer as they wish while reporting each site visited to their accountability partner. Most people, who are serious about healing from pornography, find that this greatly eliminates the desire to visit pornographic websites.
SET-UP CONSEQUENCES WHEN YOU FAIL
The second part of the boundaries equation is consequences. Boundaries won't work if there are no consequences for breaking them. In the healing process, consequences serve as a behavior modification component . It works like this: the mentee, and the accountability partner, mutually agree to a consequence that will be imposed should the mentee fail in their responsibilities. The consequence needn't be overly harsh or drastic; but, it should be something that the mentee would rather avoid. A person I know agrees to pick up trash along the highway for two hours should he fail. Another guy I know makes a monetary contribution to a political party he despises. Obviously, the point is of the behavioral consequence is to modify the mentee's behavior and hold them accountable for what they do. Consequences shouldn't be considered as punishments--just a form of behavior modification and motivation.
BE WILLING TO SET ASIDE TIME EACH DAY TO ADDRESS YOUR PROBLEMS
Ignorance is an enemy and knowledge a friend. For those addicted to lust and inappropriate sexual behaviors, it is important to devote a small amount of time each day to reading recovery literature or attending recovery meetings. There is a wealth of materials available to help people understand the problem of addiction and what to do about it. Besides increasing knowledge, the reading of recovery materials helps one to avoid triggers and make better life decisions.
DEVELOP YOUR SPIRITUALITY
This is, perhaps, the most important point of all. It is not an over exaggeration to state that for each person I have worked with, I have found that their initial view of God compounded their emotional pain and kept them from finding a pathway to healing. It is my experience that when one feels rightly related to their God, their healing is greatly accelerated. Though it may surprise to some, I have known well educated sexual addicts who were ministers, long time Bible teachers, and faithful church attendees--all of whom had an impressive Bible knowledge. However, in each case, none of them were able to feel connected, in a positive way, to their God. In these cases, a skewed view of God as a condemning and ruthless deity probably did more to keep them from healing as any other factor. In my experience, it is never God who is the problem--it is the understanding we carry about Him that makes the difference. When we relate rightly with God, the problems in our lives begin to go away.
Some of the first steps I use with my mentees are designed to cause them to see God in new and different ways. We study the Psalms as well as the wisdom of the Proverbs. We spend daily time in meditation and prayer. I encourage people to study and learn anew what God is like. Spirituality is perhaps, the most powerful tool of all in healing and transformation. Ironically to some, the more a person perceives the love of God, the more likely they are to quit pornography and be healed of all compulsive behaviors.
Once again, the steps to healing a porn problem include: admitting the problem, seeking help, setting boundaries, accountability, creating consequences for failure, spending time studying recovery materials and developing a new sense of spirituality. Each of these are powerful tools that one can use to heal themselves from the damages of porn. For those who are willing to do all of these things, problems with porn can truly become a thing of the past.
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